And one last little bit of Catholic kitsch (every denomination, every religion has their kitsch. It's just a matter of how much and what kind): The Day-glo St. Cecilila Statue. For some reason I got on a mailing list of every pseudo-schismatic and "traditional" Catholic group out there. (I suspect in my rosary part procurement, some company sold my mailing address.) So I get every catalog of tchotchkes in existence.

It's bad enough that St. Cecilia got stuck with musicians because of a mistranslation, but to be stuck with neon green and hot pink? I think she suffered enough.

1.) I'm still alive. I've got a conference next week, so I'm trying to work on my presentation for it. I'm discussing the game Uplink. It's a great game, and Introversion makes interesting stuff. (Definitely check it out...and if you're interested buy it through Introversion--copies sold in the US from Strategy First aren't legal--there's some battle they're going through because Strategy First tried to rip them off with royalties.) Anyway, I'm kind of frustrated because I'm discussing the soundtrack, yet can't really discuss the music. (It's not a music conference.) And if you do get Uplink, don't throw out your game box.

2.) Here's where I give thanks that the Creator gave people intelligence to make Claritin-D.

3.) If the cylon god turns out to be Dave Matthews, I'm going to be really pissed.

1.) Knowledge base: has anyone ever had it happen that they get their tax refund, and there's a notice in it, saying that the amount is different than what you had on your forms, and that you'll be notified by the IRS in a few days with more information? Got my tax refund Monday, and it's identical to the amount it should've been. I'm waiting for said more information with contact information. Frustrating, because I could really use the money. Googling "notice 54 IRS tax refund" doesn't bring up anything bad. But...argh. No fun over spring break for me. Oh well. Conference paper to write, then I can have some fun.

2.) I have a venue for my recital. I was informed by the liturgy guy at my parish that it will be held at my church. I'm happy about it--it's a gorgeous space, prettier than the music department's recital hall. I'm not sure what there is for sound playback (my God quad or octatonic playback would be wonderful in there), but we've got a year to work it out. I also have to find out if it's OK to do a degree recital in a space like that. There could be some whack WA state statue against it. I know organists often give their recitals in churches, but that could also have to do with the availability of instruments.

3.) Ennui lately. Probably just need a break. Would also like it if the music-theory-as-model-of-musical-experience crowd blogged more, but you can't win 'em all. I should do a set of posts about that branch of music theory, since I think it's the best thing since sliced bread. Conference paper first.

An update of the dissertation meter (in seconds):

705 / 4,500 (15.0%)

I keep going back and forth about whether or not I should talk about the metaphor behind the piece--the mysteries of the rosary. On the one hand, (from gender theory) there are some things that need to be reclaimed--Latin, the rosary, etc. On the other hand, I'm going to get blamed for everything bad that's happened in the past 2000 years, by virtue of being a member of that group. (Never mind that ad hominem is always a logical fallacy.) I guess if a hiring committee ascribes political beliefs to me that I don't personally hold it's not my problem (and illegal.) I know I can't get away with making some sort of political statement with this piece, so it might as well be the one I intend.

I really wish more than just the uptown/downtown crowd blogged on music. I'm getting weary of reading their glorified pissing contests. The 1970's are over, people. If you have a Ph.D,it doesn't mean you write good music. If you don't have a Ph.D, it doesn't mean you write good music. I think the one thing we can say with any certainty is that a person will (at some point in his/her life) write good music. He/She will also write really lousy music.

Another reason why I probably should discuss the ideology in my dissertation piece (pieces, really) is because those with any kind of metaphysics aren't getting much exposure. I get so tired reading blogs like new music box, and have everything be about the surface, making money, and whether or not pop music should be used in classical/new/postmodernist/whatever music. If this world and ontology is all there is, it would be a pretty depressing place to live.

I think that's why I like the music theory as model of musical experience people (Boretz, Randall, Barkin, Rahn, et al.) When you deal with theory as a model of experience, there are multiple possible takes on a given piece. It also lets the music exist as it is, in all its power. Plus pissing contests, like what exist on some new music blogs, aren't as important. We're all seeing a small piece of something complex (and ultimately beyond us). Diversity of opinion can't be a bad thing, in that case.

On suffering

I remember being told when I was young to "offer it up," where "it" was anything burdensome, tiresome, annoying, or just plain something I didn't want to deal with. I suspect more than a few Catholics of my age heard something similar from their relatives. A number of blog posts recently have dealt with suffering, and it's a difficult notion. At one extreme, you get Girard. At the other, suffering becomes some sort of quasi-erotic fetish. Add into this the message of countless antidepressant ads that any lack of happiness is bad, one begins to wonder if there's any value at all in suffering.

I don't disagree with the bit from Von Balthasar about suffering over on Mark Mossa's blog. Our failings do cause brokenness, and the effects of our sins cause suffering. But the notion that suffering is given out of the loving concern for a divine Parent is something that sticks in my throat. No parent likes disciplining their children (of the good parents I know), but I don't know if it's out of duty--it's the parents' jobs to protect their children, and that includes providing discipline--or out of love. But sometimes suffering doesn't have a cause--people come down with horrible illnesses, people cause other people to suffer, and things happen through no fault of the person hit with whatever is causing them to suffer. This model makes me queasy because not everything that happens is a direct result of our actions, and it would be a horrible God that would punish us willy-nilly for things we didn't deserve. This smacks of abuse.

So stuff happens, and we suffer. Thing is, I think we need it. I'm not talking wallowing in one's misery, getting off on it, or a chemical imbalance. All of these are an addiction to suffering, and I think such an addiction leads to depression, which is getting stuck in one big feedback cycle. The key is that suffering can be cathartic--it leads to a healing of a relationship (as in the case of sin), or it leads to another's relief.

I think the issue of suffering is easier to understand through the arts. Granted a "sad" piece of music may not necessarily be "sad," and it probably doesn't reflect the composer's emotions, either. (Great discussion of the person and the piece in composition here.) But through its abstraction, whatever is expressed in the piece is presented so that others may experience and deal with it in a productive manner. Perhaps I'm skirting too closely to Girard again, but I think the end result is fundamentally different. Instead of sacrificial crisis, I think the key is in empathy and compassion (literally feeling with) other people.

Just saying "be happy!" and repressing unhappy thoughts and feelings isn't true happiness--you see this in the Psalms, where the mood swings wildly from utter dejection to praise, sometimes within the same psalm. I think 142 is a good example of this. In the old Benedictine office, which is closest to the plan Benedict laid out in his Rule, it lands on Saturday at Lauds. Sunday, being the "little Easter" (bringing to mind the Easter sacrifice through the Eucharist) can't happen without a little Lent (Friday), and then the nothingness of Holy Saturday. Psalm 142 calls out of this emptiness. You can't have resurrection without death, and you can't have Easter without Lent. Without true repentance, joy rings hollow.

3/14 Edited to fix the fact that psalm 142 doesn't happen on Sunday in the old Benedictine Office...

So my non-meat options are slim to none on campus here. As an aside, the best school I've been at with respect to religious obligations being accommodated and cafeterias honoring religious dietary restrictions was CalArts. So if I want to eat on campus, my options are salad bar, overpriced, soggy wrap things, or crappy tofu. Given the penitential nature of Lent, perhaps soggy wraps would be more fitting.

So I experimented with onigiri. (Overpriced, gooey versions can also be found at the same place that sells soggy wraps.) You can find a good way to make them here. Today's lunch is: bonito with soy, wasabi furikake, and pickled plums. A friend said "3 cups of rice," but didn't specify cooked or uncooked. I made 3 cups of uncooked rice, which made about 14. (I'll be eating them the past couple of days.)

3/3 edit: Sorry about that. I forgot the link to the onigiri recipe. My bad! They worked really well in my lunch, but dried out a bit.