I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Did I wake up and wind up in bizzaro land this morning?

Item the first: Darwin in cahoots with the Nazis. (Did you just yell "GODWIN'S LAW, BEYOTCH?" I sure did.) I think one can be skeptical of a scientific theory--that's what a theory is, after all, but I don't get the certainty by which people push intelligent design. If it's science, then it should be able to withstand the tests and rigors any scientific theory does, something ID supporters decry Darwin has never been subjected to. Since when was it a sign of being a Good Catholic^tm to reject science? I'm hearing this crop up more than I'd like--there was a dig against evolution in a homily this weekend. Since when did a Good Catholic have to be a Jesus Camp follower?

Item the second: vaccination. Did the Vatican come out and say that we shouldn't vaccinate our children when I wasn't looking? OK, I can see their point about chickenpox, flu, and hepatitis vaccines. I can even understand delaying them. But not vaccinating against polio, rubella, and the really horrible diseases that are almost always fatal? I have to wonder where peoples' heads are at. Anti-vaccination people seem to be cropping up more on Catholic boards.

Item the third: Being gay is not a sin. The USCCB even say so, although the types who are squicked out by homosexuality would ignore the bishops. (Funny how both extremes in Catholicism pick and choose just as much as they claim the other side does?) Methinks they doth protest?

Item the fourth: Politics. Yeah, not going there. Funny how those who attack the Democrats never seem to remember how the Republicans are for torture. Like I said. Not going there. People like William and Liam have said what I'd want to say, anyway, but with less profanity.

Someone please tell me this is an American Catholic thing I'm noticing. Because if it's the entire Church with these attitudes, then we're screwed.

And so I don't end on a downer, new NIN album out. This one's on Reznor, too. It's pretty good, although I absolutely fell in love with Ghosts I-IV. I hope more bands adopt this model of distribution, since it seems like it's produced a surge in creativity for people like NIN. While Ghosts I-IV was more abstract, The Slip is more rock.

Now why don't they talk about Doctor Who at my parish? Hell, I'd settle for discussions of morality and religion in Battlestar Galactica (new series). I don't really see the Doctor as a Christ-like figure. More like St. Michael, for me.

I had to turn off the news tonight.

More stories about the Democrats making their party implode, the food crisis, the housing crisis, recession, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Somalia, Zimbabwe. So then I decide to go get a burger and check my mail. (I have a PO box. Just makes sense with as much traveling as I do.)

Somehow I got on the mailing list for a bunch of conservative Catholic groups, some barely in communion with Rome and others I wish weren't. (Sorry, folks, I've got a reboot of the ovarian operating system happening, and I'm a bit thin on charity today, for reasons that will become apparent.) Today's junkmail offering was from the Human Life International group.

On the surface they seemed decent. But if you look in their mission statement, they're Yet Another Catholic Group that doesn't see any other social issue beyond the gonads. They're against birth control and abortion, obviously, but also sex education. Come on, people. Quit giving people who think the RCC is only about the repression of sex any more ammunition. I was also invited to sign and send back the Humanae Vitae Pledge with my donation.

Now, I'm cranky at these people because I'm on the Pill, and there isn't a month that doesn't go by that I don't thank my Maker for giving the people who developed it the knowledge to do so. It allows me to lead a normal life, otherwise I'd be laid up in bed for two weeks out of every month. Yes, I've discussed it with my doctor (a naturopath, by the way), and it's the cheapest, safest, and easiest alternative. Now, this use of the Pill is allowed for under the encyclical Humanae Vitae. (Yes, I've read it. I totally agree with most of it.)

Yet you wouldn't believe the people who suggest I should either "offer it up," use natural alternatives, or just use NFP. Well, last I checked, NFP doesn't do squat when the red army is on the march. Why are people so dismissive of women's health? There are medicines that impact a man's fertility and abilities (shall we say), yet I never hear them get the same kind of grief a woman gets for being on medication that affects her fertility.

I think all of this is really a big sign of a larger issue. Why are we dismissive of women? It seems like there is a part of the Church that still dismisses their gifts and abilities. (And so the Pope noted in this article at Whispers in the Loggia. It's well-worth a read, and it's what convinced me that Benedict wasn't so bad, after all.) I'd like to posit that it's political, at least in this country, an influence of the "Jesus Camp" types who're rampant in the government.

I'd also like to posit that the "culture of death" isn't so much about couples contracepting, but people looking for the easiest possible thing to latch onto. Being pro-life is messy. It asserts that the life of the homeless guy who defecated in your bushes is just as sacred as a cute baby, the person on Death Row, or the Iraqis we bombed last week.

Still working on the post about Torchwood, Doctor Who, and reconciliation. I'm kind of dragging my feet on it, since I want to see how season 4/30 plays out.

So awhile ago I wrote a post in response to some nasty criticism of the show, Doctor Who, on the Daily Breakfast podcast. (I used to listen to said podcast religiously, but just got out of the habit.) The podcast link in the original post got changed when they changed their database. The correct link to the response in the podcast that provoked my rant on Doctor Who and Catholic social justice is here.

Now there will be spoilers. If you aren't current on Doctor Who to the episode that aired yesterday ("Planet of the Ood") or last season and you don't want things spoiled, you really don't want to read any further.

Still here? Sure? There are gonna be spoilers. Big ones.

Last chance.

I mean it.

So. The criticism was that it wasn't a good "family" show because of a five second kiss between Captain Jack and the Doctor. Now, this was the most unsexy kiss ever in the franchise. The characters were, in all likelihood, going to their deaths at the tentacles of daleks. If you want sexy kisses, go watch Torchwood.

Time after time (pardon the pun), there are strong pro-life themes in Doctor Who, and I'm not just talking about what passes as "pro-life" in some circles. For instance, in the weakest of the episodes in season 3, the Doctor offers to help save the daleks at the end of "Evolution of the Daleks," a race that almost wiped out his. Then at the end of "Partners in Crime," the Doctor makes the statement about the alien Adipose children that they're just kids and can't help where they come from. (They come from people's fat and were harvested off of humans.) In "Planet of the Ood," the Doctor and Donna (who I think seriously rocks as a companion) save a race from slavery (the Ood's situation echoing the Holocaust or Exodus--ironic, since it aired yesterday, during Passover.) Not to mention in the same episode a line by the Doctor snarking at humans in our century for the use of slave labor in clothing. (At which Donna snarks back, asking if he takes humans along to feel morally superior. She injects a lot of humility into the show.)

And did I mention the fact that an ongoing theme of the series is that violence never solves anything? The times when violence is used, it backfires miserably at the Doctor. ("Resurrection of the Daleks" or the ongoing story arc relating to the destruction of his planet at the end of the Time War.) And if Doctor Who isn't a good family show, then I guess it doesn't matter that the Doctor defeats the Master (a long-term nemesis from the Jon Pertwee years) by forgiving him.

The times in which someone dies, or someone gets punished, it's usually because there's no other alternative. The Family in "Human Nature" gets punished in such a way that they can't ever harm others. The Racnoss were offered a chance to live somewhere else peacefully, but brought destruction upon themselves (see also violence causing violence.) In every case I can think of since the series restarted in 2005, the Doctor either gives the bad guys a chance to leave or he offers to help them.

(As an aside, I subscribe to the view of the Time Lords in the Big Finish Audios: they aren't corrupt bureaucrats, but more evolved beings, who're a lot like Tolkien's elves: world-weary and just want to be left alone by lesser-evolved races. In the Big Finish Audios, they're mostly peaceful, do hold life to be sacred, but also are forced into making extremely difficult decisions--even at the sacrifice of their own lives--to keep time lines intact.)

My sci-fi heroes uphold Catholic social justice. How cool is that? (I'd love to see an episode with Dorothy Day or Pierre Teilhard de Chardin--would be a good excuse to have a period episode in 1920's China. I think an encounter with the Doctor would explain a lot of the trippiness and cosmic orientation of a lot of Teilhard's writings.)

if you don't listen already, Radio Boston is doing a great special on the Boston Archdiocese, and it's really well done. You can find the show here.

The podcast isn't up yet, but all the podcasts are linked off of WBUR's site. It's way more balanced than I thought it was going to be.

So I got tagged for the "your life in six words" meme. Right now I'd have to say it's "Ugly code makes Baby Jesus cry." For instance:

a1      granule p4*k1,p5,p6,p7,p8,p9,p10,p11,p12,p13,p14,p15,\
     p16,p17,p18,p19,p20,p21,p22,p23,p24

What we have here is a mess. It's the code for a csound unit generator straight out of the manual. Look intelligible? Good! It does to me, too. Now if I were looking at that code, I'd have absolutely no clue what any of the various parameters are. The "a1" is a specific instance of that unit generator. (Csound isn't really object-oriented, nor is it functional.) Granule is the name of the unit generator (pretend it's like a function), and all the bloody p-things after it are p-fields, or specific parameters that unit generator needs. (Those are set in the score file, when the actual instrument you build in the orchestra file is called.)

Now, for the sake of the Poor Souls in Purgatory, you don't have to leave your p-fields looking like that. It's largely preferable if you don't. I mean, think what it would be like, if you wrote that instrument one year, put it aside, and then came back to it years later. Or, God forbid, someone else would have to do something with it.

So here's another snippet of csound orchestra file, this time written by my chair. (Email me if you want a link to the original. It's about as elegantly-written as csound can be.)

;  fm portion

;  ratio sweep
if iratdif == 0 goto noratiomod

 kratio oscil   iratdif, iratcps, iratfn
 kratio = kratio + iratio2

 kcpsmod = icpscar*kratio   ; ratio is M/C 
 krange = abs(idif * kcpsmod)
 kdev = abs(ifmi1 * kcpsmod)

 ; fm

 kampmod oscil1 0, krange + kdev, idur, idevfunc
 amodout oscil kampmod, kcpsmod * aglfac, 1
 goto aftermod

Now, this is legible, if a lot more complex than the other example. Everything is insanely well documented, all p-fields are assigned to variables (except a few that are csound idioms, so to speak.) He's doing some fairly complicated things, but everything is defined (even the p-fields which are just csound convention: p1 is always instrument number, p2 is always start time, p3 is duration, p4 amp, and so on.) Sure, you'd have to know how fm synthesis works, but it's legible. It's got comments, and things are clearly defined. The mind boggles.

Group hug^H^Hblog?

OK, so the issue was raised about some sort of group blog. I think it's an interesting idea, so I'm opening up this post to discuss it.

1.) I think the weekly theme thing is a good idea. (Monthly?)

2.) Deadlines might be hard, when two of us are grad students.

3.) How do we keep content coming? Signups? We could get some sort of calendar set up with the google mail we'd need for it. If people volunteer to write something, then the grad students would be able to adjust for when our lives aren't so busy.

4.) What about haloscan for comments? I personally like it, and one is able to ban according to a range or by specific IP. (Which is logged every time someone makes a comment.) There's also Jeff's IP blocking code, which I think is a necessity, given some of the bloggers out there.

5.) What about divisive subjects? I don't think I'd mind seeing the occasional post on such things, but--as a big for instance--certain subjects seem to dominate the blogging world already (sex, NFP, abortion). If there could be an interesting take on the subjects, I wouldn't mind it, but all too often, it becomes a rehash of something that we've all read before.

6.) What about non-Catholic bloggers? There are a number I'm thinking of, who might have really interesting things to say (Rev. Mommy, Sandalstraps, etc.)

7.) What would differentiate our blog from our personal blogs? The best blogs I've seen--especially group ones--are those that have some sort of theme.

You can't go home again...

So I opened up my CalArts email the other day, to find a notice from the alumni organization that the music department landed a grant that exceeds $125 million and will start a DMA program, although limited in scope. While I'm elated for them, it wasn't helping my out-of-sort-ness as of late. (I get SAD...but it tends to hit when the days start getting longer.)

And then I find another blog post about how the music critic, Alan Rich, has been ousted from the LA Weekly. He's a fixture. While I may not have always agreed with his writings, I can't deny that he'd been on the LA music scene for longer than anyone. Having him in the audience, when a piece was being performed could either be a godsend or a curse, but you were guaranteed to get a review, not a bunch of platitudes. That's not to say that he wasn't opinionated against certain genres--minimalism and modernist composers, except for a select few. But you rarely find such brutal honesty--even if it hurts--in modern critics.

I was playing in a concert in which he booed the work. On the one hand, it really hurt. On the other...it was nice to have my opinions about the piece validated. (That having been said, it was the same night that I almost ripped a tendon in my arm, so my opinion of Robert Ashley's music is biased.) If you want to read Rich's review of that concert, it's here.

food for thought...

New office person brought up the point that she thought music was a forgiving art, in that it led to reconciliation between people. Need to think about that some, but didn't want to forget it.

Inspired by Jeff's post on Bob Marley and how his kids will come up with alternate lyrics, I bring you alternate lyrics for Orff's setting of "O Fortuna." If you're offended by pictures of codpieces, women in sparkly bras, and general weirdness, don't click. But as a recovering orchestral musician, I loved it. It's almost as good as the video I posted of the Pachelbel canon done by Korean gayageum, beatbox, and breakdancers.

Just heard that the Frood's grandmother died a few minutes ago. Glad her suffering's over. While I've never been a huge devotee of the Divine Mercy devotion, I can't help but wonder at the coincidence that she died on the eve of Divine Mercy Sunday.

Is ecumenical dialogue possible? That's kind of the implication of RLP's post. (Yes, I'm still steamed about it.)

On the one hand, there are things we share. But on the other hand, if we can't even agree about what creed we recite, how can we discuss anything? For instance, some non-denominational Protestants feel that they're going back to a more authentic mode of Christianity. When we hear that, we think they're joining RCIA. We think that the Church was established through Peter and that the Pope is heir to this. They don't. They think salvation is something you can choose based upon a condition of accepting Jesus. We think it's entirely up to God, and the whole notion of accepting Christ is moot, since why would you call yourself a Christian, if you didn't believe in Christ? They think personal relationships with God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit is important and an important facet of worship. We think that such things are important, but that worship is entirely corporate--when it's time for Mass, private revelation doesn't factor into it and shouldn't, since the highest form of communion is the Eucharist.

And so on. I mean, look at the issue that's inter-denominational communion. Personally I don't have a problem with a Protestant who, reverently, receives the Eucharist, so long as they accept what we believe it to be. I don't know that he/she didn't need that grace. I do, however, have a problem with those who receive in our Church because they think they have a right to, and essentially turn the Eucharist into a political football. Why should they have a right to sacraments, to which we don't have a right? As we say in the liturgy, "Lord I am not worthy to receive You..."

I think if there's to be any true ecumenical dialogue, then it must account for differences as well as similarities. Self-loathing is not ecumenicism. I love my Church. If I didn't, do you think I'd stick around throughout all the post-Vatican II crap? It's pretty insulting to both parties to say that we're all the same because there are things within each of our denominations that make our traditions (note the lower-case "t") unique and rich. For instance, I'd get grief from my stepfather's family for not going to their worship services, because they insisted that it was all the same. Well, no, it isn't. I'm not going to Mass because I'm too good for theirs (Yes, this accusation was leveled at me), I'm going because this liturgy represents the fullness of Truth as I'm able to see it.

"I'm not anti-Catholic. I have Catholic friends."

Doesn't that sound a lot like, "I'm not racist! I have black friends!" Or how about when someone says something offensive to Catholics, but then insists they didn't mean it? Sounds like when somebody drops the n-word, doesn't it? Now I'll admit that nobody is getting lynched or harmed for being Catholic (at least in this century), but I don't think that Protestants (especially low-church Protestants) in this country realize how deeply set their anti-Catholic bias really is. This post is for those in that thread and the "apology" to that one, in which those who took offense to RLP's post are called "spiritually immature."

Once upon a time, thirteen colonies were established in the United States. In a lot of these colonies, it was illegal to be Catholic. In 1647, Jesuits were barred from entering Massachusetts under pain of death. It wasn't until the late 18th century that a priest could come into Massachusetts without worrying about being martyred.

Fast forward to the 19th century. There are waves of immigrants fleeing Europe from famine (my Irish relatives, for instance), revolution (my German and Bohemian relatives), and the chance for a better life (my Italian relatives). A lot of these immigrants are Catholic (my Irish and Italian family.) And guess what? Anti-Catholicism rears its head. From something as benign as "Catholics need not apply" to all-out terror from the KKK.

You know what? You still get anti-Catholicism today. Now, I'm not talking about crap the likes of which Bill Donohue flies off the handle at. I've had to listen to my colleagues at my university opine about how stupid Catholics are, how we're all sexual deviants, and how our clergy are all abusers. The people who would tell a Catholic joke these days are those who would balk at a similar joke about a particular ethnic group. I've had to put up with jabs about my faith from my non-Catholic family, from my fiancé's family, and from just about everywhere else.

So you find a post like RLP's, in which he portrays the current Pope as some stupid vegetable, complete with faux Latin, it's coming from a very long line of shit you've had to face almost every day of your life. Lord knows I don't agree with every word the Pope says (contrary to popular belief, we're allowed to do this, and not everything the Pope says has equal weight.) But I can't deny that 1.) he's the Vicar of Christ and the successor to Peter, 2.) the guy is frigging brilliant (has been a professor, speaks six languages or so fluently, has written numerous theological works, and has the chops to be a concert pianist.) and 3.) has actually been outspoken on the exact issue that RLP is accusing him of.

Newsflash: the Pope baptizes people publicly at Easter every damn year. And, if you think this was a conversion at gunpoint, at least read what the person in question had to say about it. The person also had a personal relationship with the Pope. I can't think of anything more beautiful than to receive the sacraments of initiation from someone who's been instrumental in your faith development.

You know what? I'm tired of having to school people on anti-Catholic bias. Go ahead, say what you want. You'll only make yourself look worse.

You know you're a geek when...

...you're watching "The Ten Commandments" and think that Yul Brynner is a Goa'uld System Lord.

Have a blessed Easter!

Okay. All you music people who read this? And other not-so-musical people? Go check out Nine Inch Nail's Ghosts I-IV. It's released under the Creative Commons license, so torrents of it are fully legal, or you can pay $5 for it via their website. Hell, Reznor, himself, put up a torrent of it.

Are you downloading it? No? I'll wait until you're done.

It's absolutely stunning. (All instrumental, similar to the kinds of stuff I do with computer music.) Seriously it's going to be the best five bucks you've ever spent. It's music like this, which makes me wake up in the morning, swear at NPR, then thank my Maker that I'm a composer. The second track, I think, I'd recommend to any student who wants to learn about pacing and musical time.

Now is such a cool time to be alive, if you're a composer. Sure, there aren't the grants and public support for the arts that there was 20 years ago, but we have sole control over the distribution of our works. Got a computer? Got a Kinko's? You can typeset and publish your own music. Got bandwith? Put up a torrent of your works. No more waiting around for publishing and recording contracts that aren't coming. Even CD production is cheap. Anyone can make a master, and finding some place to press a run isn't hard. Sure, it means hitting the pavement and getting it out there, but it also means not being enslaved to Sony, ECM, BMI, or the RIAA.

Bunch of scattered thoughts this morning.

1.) On the Obama/race issue, I've been mostly silent. I'm trying to stay out of the political mess because I know come November I'm going to be pissed off at the whole process. (Especially if the Republicans are trying to force Catholics to vote for them again like they did in 2000.) The other issue is that as a white female, I have a certain kind of privilege, and it feels hypocritical to talk about race, when I've never had an issue with it. Gender bias, sure. But I can't help but acknowledge that my skin tone has helped me. Now's the time when I shut up and listen.

2.) (And I'm sure everyone knows to whom I'm referring...) Why do people think that just because they can post a comment that their opinion must be welcomed, when said opinion is hateful, offensive, and only designed to stir crap? I know trolls have always been with us, but lately it seems some are off their meds. (and here's where I thank Jeff for his IP banning code.)

3.) Anyone know anything about making millefiori beads? Especially out of polymer clay? I found a recipe for rose petal beads that uses translucent sculpey and dried rose petals, which I thought looked better than the traditional barf-on-a-string, and then I learned that one can do some really nifty things with polymer clays. I'm always looking for interesting things to do for my rosary making habit. Part of my philosophy is that one doesn't need to spend hundreds of dollars on a rosary.

4.) Silly poll up about chocolate rabbit habits.

This post has been brought to you courtesy of jasmine tea and theraflu. Keeping Martian Death Flu at bay since 1984.

1.) Didn't make it to Mass today. I'm doing better, but for some reason today around 4, I couldn't stay awake, was all feverish, and my body got this message: "Broadcast message from root (pts/0) (Sun March 16 16:11:43 2008): The human is going down for system halt NOW!"

At first I was guilty about it, and how I've slacked off on the Divine Office since getting sick. But, you know, taking care of myself is a discipline, and right now I need sleep, tea, theraflu, and Doctor Who.

2.) Paper's done. I just realized that the last so many games I've written about I've played in linux, either natively or with wine. I'm thinking about checking out cedega once I get some disposable income. Would be nice if I could deep six my windows partition. Unfortunately some of the notation software I use only runs in windows.

3.) Went to a hockey game the other day. Was fun, and I think I'd definitely go again. Bit Jerry Springer the way fights break out, though. (Was a Seattle-Portland game, so apparently there's quite a bit of rivalry.) Probably shouldn't have gone with the flu, but it was good to get out of the house. The players are all around 15-22 in this league, so they made me feel like a dirty old woman. Maybe if I can appreciate hockey, I can get into soccer?

If you knit and hang out online, you're probably aware of David Demchuk, since he writes a column for knitty.com. It's from one of his columns that I got the sage advice I give to my single (male) friends, when they ask me about dating women: learn to knit.

Today's post from him, though, is dead serious and everyone should read it. It's about the Oklahoma representative's video that's been making the rounds. There's a rebuttal to it posted that's moving and partially restores one's faith in humanity.

Caveat that I'm cranky from writing this paper and being sick, but when people say crap like, "I support women 100%, but I don't want to see them as lectors/altar servers/cantors," I want to scream. No, it means that they only want to see women in certain socially prescribed areas that correspond to their own (dare I say sexist?) view.

You know, I try to do my job as a server as reverently and prayerfully as possible (given the average amount of chaos that surrounds most liturgies). When people say (never to my face) about how I'm killing some vocation, I also want to scream. I think if I were to have children, I'd be strongly encouraging them to be servers, too. And if they had a vocation? I'd be the first to support them.

Grad students: we make procrastination into an artform.

Along with consumer culture holding back video games, I think the inability to see them as anything other than frivolous is hurting the genre. Case in point? This game. More on it from DS Fanboy here and here. The DS Fanboy links have some screenshots. (Nothing graphic, although moving.)

Now if it were anything else--a film or a book--nobody would balk. But because it's a game--which is supposedly a child's reaction to the horrors of the Holocaust--people freak out. And the game is still in development. All Nintendo really did is say "Huh, we don't know anything about this." Nintendo's pretty close-mouthed about things in production, and there are more game publishers out there beyond Nintendo. (I have a feeling if the game does get released over here, some little house like Altus would pick it up, because they take risks on all kinds of games that nobody else will touch.)

I wonder if Luc Bernard needs beta testers...although if I get into its beta, then it *will* suck, because I seem to be completely unable to beta test a game that doesn't righteously suck. One of these days I'm going to say "screw it" to the NDAs I've signed and blog about all the suck I've tested.