So I've got this crazy idea. I have 3 papers (which I know isn't enough) all around the same theme--composing, contemplation, and how it relates to the aesthetic experience. What about using them as the start of a book? I have no idea who'd touch them, not falling squarely in any one discipline, and I fall into the Boretz/Randall/Rahn/Barkin camp of music theory, which has always been counter-cultural. Am I nuts that someone, somewhere would want to read it, much less publish it?

As a composer and as one who aspires to live according to the Rule of St. Benedict, it's frustrating to read book after book about things relating to composition that's only the surface. What I love about their theory is that there's so much more to it than formalism. So here's what's going to be the preface. Not done yet, though.

***

Suscipe me secundum eloquium tuum, et vivam. Et non confundas me ab exspectatione mea.

As I stood in the foyer of the guest area of the Trappist monastery (inside being preferable to the Iowa winter), I had to wonder what I'd gotten myself into. At the time I was far from an observant Catholic--my honors class during my first year of college was studying the Rule of St. Benedict as a type of community, the capstone involving two days at New Melleray Abbey. Instead of being presented as a living tradition the way the monks--and countless others--lived it, the Rule was taught in the class as some medieval relic. I anticipated hating the entire two days, but was shocked to hear that faint whisper spoken of every day during Matins: "Hodie, si vocem ejus audieritis, nolite obdurare corda vestra." The monks' way of life was strange, yet there was some part of it that felt completely natural.

Four years later, I got off the plane at LAX, stumbled off the shuttle in Burbank, and after an hour's ride found myself at another enclosure, that of the California Institute of the Arts in Valencia, again wondering what I'd gotten myself into. Beyond my wildest hopes, I'd been accepted for my Master's in composition, never dreaming that people who wrote music actually existed, much less that I'd have the opportunity to become one of them.

Finally several years later, the symbolism of the warrant from my doctoral exams (ink barely dry) wasn't lost: instead of my signing my profession document, the community I hoped to join signed it. In a sense, it was their promise to support me in my vocation, as the whole process was my promise to endure in it. Feeling as if I'd come out from under a pall, I began my novitiate.

One before bed...

So I was sitting here, worrying about next year (I may not have financial aid because the financial aid department here likes to "lose" my Master's, among other problems I've been having with them), worrying about finding a job once I'm done with this degree, worrying about whether or not I'll be able to finish, and a host of other worries.

I don't know why, since I generally like my evenings quiet, but I put on an internet contemporary classical radio station. The piece that was playing was a recording of a piece a former composition teacher had conducted, Louis Andriessen's De Staat.

Now I'm sure you can ascribe this to coincidence. The guy conducted just about every contemporary classical composer out there, especially the avant-garde. He'd also conducted just about every work Andriessen had written, when Lucky was still conducting. Plus the station is based out of San Francisco, and Lucky had been music director/conductor for a chamber group in the area for years.

But...that doesn't describe the feeling I got when I heard the piece and realized instantly whose recording it was. It's got to be similar to the feeling one gets, when a rose appears after the novena to St. Therese. All I know for certain is I'm feeling oddly hopeful for next year.

Well poo. So I had a nifty idea to link the individual pieces of my dissertation to the mysteries they represent by using snippets of chants corresponding to the feasts in the liturgy. I'm currently on the Crucifixion (sketched out on Good Friday, didn't get a chance to start putting notes down--or lines of LISP code down--until now, though.) I'm bouncing around a bit in the ordering. This one's also a mini-setting of the seven last words. I'm not sure how much of it will be audible to the listener without program notes.

Somehow I got the chorus for the Improperia stuck in my head. It's one of the few instances of Greek left in the liturgy, and it's some pretty music. Unfortunately the whole thing has been used to justify anti-semitism. There's also no beating around the bush on the matter--the lyrics are pretty nasty.

But I've been raised with the notion that the anti-semitism of years past is part of the collective guilt associated with Good Friday and the reading of the passion narrative on Palm Sunday. It's a time to own up to and take responsibility for the crap one's done during the year. In a sense, we've all crucified Christ, where Christ is present in the pogroms, Sudan, Darfur, Iraq, Bosnia, and so on.

However, this may not be readily apparent in the music. This is also for my dissertation, and I'd like to avoid controversy as much as possible, since one's dissertation defense isn't the time or place for really controversial stuff. But...art is by nature controversial (although I don't know if I'd call what I do art.) It's also part of political and social action, whether you want it to or not. The very fact that I'm doing a set of 15 pieces on the mysteries of the rosary is controversial and very much a political statement. Art should challenge and provoke. I've seen plenty of art I'm offended by, but I strongly defend the artist's right to make it. I'm sure someone will be offended by the pieces I'm writing.

On the one hand, this nastiness is a part of my religion. We've done some horrible things to people; and people still do horrible things to people in the name of religion. There's something redemptive in taking something associated with nastiness and making it into something that (hopefully) transcends it. But...on the other hand, there's also the social responsibility for not being an asshole and being sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others.

Or compromise: take the part of it I really like (the response) and not use the rest. It's the verses that are the nasty bits...ETA: I wouldn't be using any of the text, just the music.

If you don't already read Rev. Mommy's blog, you should. She's got a murder mystery up that's really good.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

An inner dialogue

An inner dialogue...
or:
A day in the life of an ABD grad student.

Dramatis personae:


Me: Your brave blogger

Myself: Another facet of Yours Truly.


Setting: Before an LCD monitor, enlightenment desktop shell, linux OS. There is a lisp compiler open and an empty text editor (vim, of course.)


Me: OK, self! Time to get busy! Tuesdays and Thursdays are your dissertation-writing days!

Myself: Aw...do we have to? There's a new Pendragon patch you could be testing!

Me: now, now. Work now, play later.

Myself: But...the sun...there's sun in Seattle. And puffy clouds. And warm weather. You don't want to waste the nice weather, do you?

Me: Work now, play later. If you're good, you can go get a bubble tea after you get some work done.

Myself: But...But you just finished a piece! And you got back from the conference--

Me: --A week ago!

Myself: Could have residual jetlag.

Me: ...

Myself: Hey, look! Your lisp implementation needs a license upgrade! That'll take awhile.

Me: More like five seconds with broadband.

Myself: But, wait! If you're stuck inside, you could knit, instead! You knit while you wait for things to compile, correct?

Me: Of course. Not much else to do.

Myself: Well, then. Why don't you knit now?

[the sound of realplayer and EWTN starts up]

Myself: AAAAAAUGH! NOOOOO NOT EWTN LIVE!!!

Me: Are you going to get busy, or do I have to keep this on longer?

Myself: NOOOOOO IT BURNS US!!! Oh wait. Hey this is kind of interesting...

Me: Don't make me put on "The 700 Club."

Myself: IT HURTS! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

Me: Are you going to actually work, or do I have to keep Pat Robertson on?

Myself: So. Percussion sounds for this one?

Apologies if it's Yet Another Post about what happened at VA Tech.

I can't fathom what would drive a person to do this. I'm sitting here, stunned, watching the footage on TV from the attack. Lord knows people in my department have annoyed and frustrated me, but no matter how angry they'd make me, I couldn't kill them. Disgruntled graduate student? Frustrated TA? Domestic violence? That classroom could've been any classroom. What if it happened here? How would I react? Would those I care about be safe?

The priests at my parish have an eerie habit of saying things that seem to be exactly the right thing at the right time. In the homily yesterday, the priest mentioned that there's no person not worthy of Divine Mercy and forgiveness. May not be much, but it's something I'm holding onto tonight.

Language of prayer

I like aesthetics. I like poetry. I like them both in prayer. I also like inclusive language, although a lot of attempts in liturgy leave me cold. That having been said, Talmida's got an interesting post up about the new translation of the Nicene Creed over at The Lesser of Two Weevils.

The good: I like that it now says "for us and for our salvation." The original is "qui nos homines," so that fits. There's some debate over on her blog about the part about Jesus becoming man...I don't mind this as much because, well, he was a guy, although the Latin is more specific: "Et homo factus est," "And was made human." It's a subtle difference that I wonder isn't being lost in the politics surrounding inclusive language. (I wonder if the retention of "man" is a nose-thumbing at the other side.)

But some of the comments mention praying to God as "Our Mother." I've never seen an example of it that I feel comfortable with. Like Talmida pointed out, we were taught to pray "Our Father." Praying with different words isn't bad, it's different words. But that's not why I'm uncomfortable with it.

Sure, you could chalk up my balking to being under the thumb of the patriarchy, but I wonder if such addenda are another example of our fingerprint on prayer or worship. I'm uncomfortable with such things because it's only substituting one gender for another--it's as uncomfortable to me as saying "For us men and for our salvation." Prayer and liturgy shouldn't be all about us. If anything, they should transcend us. I worry that such corrections are no better than that which they're meant to replace.

Fair warning. There may be spoilers in this one. So it's no secret I'm a "Doctor Who" fan. I've watched the show ever since I could remember. The first episode I saw was "The Seeds of Doom," and it scared the living hell out of me. I was hooked ever since. (This was back when the Chicago PBS station, WTTW, played them in the afternoon...at least I think it was the afternoon.) I have just about every episode that's been broadcast--including "Shada"--except for some of the William Hartnell and Patrick Troughton episodes.

So I'm also a fan of the Daily Breakfast podcast. The guy who does it is a priest, who's a total geek. Fr. Roederick has been discussing "Doctor Who" lately. (He's also a fan.) So some guy came on, giving feedback about how horrible the new seasons are. First off, Captain Jack isn't all that important to the series. Second of all, he complains about how there's no organization in the universe--there never was in the Doctor Who universe--and that there's no spiritual side (I guess he missed the episode in last year's series, where the Doctor defeats Satan.)

But I'm so fed up with fanatics thinking that the only social issues that matter are homosexuality and abortion. If the guy who gave feedback on "Daily Breakfast" thought the entire first series was about "perversion," then he missed the point. Jack does kiss the Doctor, but he also kisses Rose--that's during the episode where they thought they were going to die. There wasn't anything sexual about it. If anything, I thought it was a beautiful scene. The first series (season 27 to the old fans) is really all about redemption and reconciliation. See also: "Planet of the Spiders," where the 3rd Doctor regenerates into the 4th Doctor. The guy giving feedback also says that the Doctor genocided his own people. That line was given in the same episode as "The Satan Pit," by an alien thought of to be Satan, aka "The father of all liars." The creature lied about Rose in the same episode. Why is anything else it said true? Or true in a way that doesn't twist what really happened? All we have is a PTSD-suffering alien's take on it and an evil being's. Neither are reliable informants about the Time War.

But it's just one guy's opinion from Oklahoma. His voice isn't that of other Catholics in the US. Frankly I think the Doctor does a good job of working according to Catholic social teaching. For the sake of argument, I'm using this from the USCCB, the seven key themes of Catholic social teaching.

1.) Life and dignity of the human person. And alien for the Doctor. When has this (from the USCCB) not been true? "We believe that every person is precious, that people are more important than things, and that the measure of every institution is whether it threatens or enhances the life and dignity of the human person." That's been the show's refrain since it started. Like in last night's episode with the Doctor's interaction with the mentally ill people in the hospital. And if "New Earth" didn't echo this theme, I don't know what does.

2.) Call to Family, Community, and Participation. Families don't come in very often. We know the Doctor's had a granddaughter, so he's had a family in some part of his life. He's often remarked in the past two seasons how special it is that Rose had a family and an ordinary life. Or in "The Runaway Bride," he offered the Arachnos empress every chance to go away, and he even offered to help her and her brood find a planet where they could live in peace.

3.) Rights and Responsibilities. Society can only be healthy when all rights are respected. I don't think this has ever not been a theme of "Doctor Who." I can't count the number of episodes in which he's fought against some dictator. Duty to society? Sure, the Doctor's not overly fond of small-scale responsibility, but given the number of times he's saved Earth and/or the universe, I think we can safely say he's got some responsibility to society.

4.) Option for the Poor and Vulnerable Again, when has this not been the case for the Doctor? I can't think of an episode where he didn't protect the poor and vulnerable.

5.) The Dignity of Work and the Rights of Workers Fair labor doesn't come up much, but there have been episodes dealing with slavery and forced labor. ("Impossible Planet," "Destiny of the Daleks")

6.) Solidarity Oh yeah like the theme that we're all one race under God's creation doesn't come up. That is, that we're worthy of respect regardless of race, nationality, religion, economic status, or species.

7.) Care for God’s Creation There's been a lot of shows with environmental themes. "Sea Devils," most notably.

End of rant. Go watch "Doctor Who."

Conference went. Don't think I'll go to it next year. They had me on a panel of all military games, with the bulk of the audience coming in during the middle of my presentation. Yeah nothing says "I'm interested in what you do" more than that. The person who was chairing it--who had the weakest paper of the bunch--had these cutesy signs she'd hold up to call time. Call me crazy but I'm used to a discrete note, rather than something out of Sesame Street. Ah well. It's over, I'm back to composer-mode, and I think I'm going to look into music-specific conferences next time. And it's another line on the CV.

Have a blessed Easter and/or Passover, if I'm not posting between now and then!

Sorry for the brief notes. I'll try to post something of substance once life settles down a bit.

1.) Rate Your Students shutting down. I have mixed feelings about this. Since I do tech support I see the seedy underbelly of just how horrible college students can be. Then again I've been treated horribly by a very, very few faculty, as well. I think there's plenty of ill will and malice on both sides. Do I think that college students should be more with it and less consumer minded? Sure. But I wonder what kind of example blogs like that are, to begin with.

I'm sure it wouldn't be difficult to figure out who I am. I think my real name is attached to my email, anyway. However, I don't write anything here I wouldn't want my grandmother reading, and that also goes for future academic employers. I have nothing to hide. If they're going to discriminate against me because I'm a Catholic gamer-geek, who likes to opine on video games and meatless lunch ideas, then they aren't worth working for. Ditto for any dean who'd order me to take this site down.

2.) Chocolate Jesus. I don't see the offense. Chocolate? Catholics shouldn't be offended at the association of Christ with food. We do it every day. Maybe it's a commentary on the consumerism edging into religion. Naked Jesus? Not like every other man on the planet doesn't have the same parts. If Jesus were truly human and truly divine, I don't see what the big deal is. Nor do I understand why the male nude form is always a sex object or something "dirty." Hello, sexist? If anything, I think it would be a good reminder of the humiliation He faced, as well as a poignant reminder of His humanity. I sincerely doubt the Romans were concerned for the modesty of those condemned. Plus, there have been anatomically correct statues for thousands of years. There's nothing shameful about the human figure. Naked is not always sexual. If anything, it's less sexual, since I seem to recall a study that humans are more aroused by what isn't seen than what is.

If you'll pardon the vulgarity, Bill Donohue needs a warm cup of STFU. I resent that he thinks he speaks for all Catholics, and I doubly resent his and Cardinal Egan's philistine understanding of art.

And one last little bit of Catholic kitsch (every denomination, every religion has their kitsch. It's just a matter of how much and what kind): The Day-glo St. Cecilila Statue. For some reason I got on a mailing list of every pseudo-schismatic and "traditional" Catholic group out there. (I suspect in my rosary part procurement, some company sold my mailing address.) So I get every catalog of tchotchkes in existence.

It's bad enough that St. Cecilia got stuck with musicians because of a mistranslation, but to be stuck with neon green and hot pink? I think she suffered enough.

1.) I'm still alive. I've got a conference next week, so I'm trying to work on my presentation for it. I'm discussing the game Uplink. It's a great game, and Introversion makes interesting stuff. (Definitely check it out...and if you're interested buy it through Introversion--copies sold in the US from Strategy First aren't legal--there's some battle they're going through because Strategy First tried to rip them off with royalties.) Anyway, I'm kind of frustrated because I'm discussing the soundtrack, yet can't really discuss the music. (It's not a music conference.) And if you do get Uplink, don't throw out your game box.

2.) Here's where I give thanks that the Creator gave people intelligence to make Claritin-D.

3.) If the cylon god turns out to be Dave Matthews, I'm going to be really pissed.

1.) Knowledge base: has anyone ever had it happen that they get their tax refund, and there's a notice in it, saying that the amount is different than what you had on your forms, and that you'll be notified by the IRS in a few days with more information? Got my tax refund Monday, and it's identical to the amount it should've been. I'm waiting for said more information with contact information. Frustrating, because I could really use the money. Googling "notice 54 IRS tax refund" doesn't bring up anything bad. But...argh. No fun over spring break for me. Oh well. Conference paper to write, then I can have some fun.

2.) I have a venue for my recital. I was informed by the liturgy guy at my parish that it will be held at my church. I'm happy about it--it's a gorgeous space, prettier than the music department's recital hall. I'm not sure what there is for sound playback (my God quad or octatonic playback would be wonderful in there), but we've got a year to work it out. I also have to find out if it's OK to do a degree recital in a space like that. There could be some whack WA state statue against it. I know organists often give their recitals in churches, but that could also have to do with the availability of instruments.

3.) Ennui lately. Probably just need a break. Would also like it if the music-theory-as-model-of-musical-experience crowd blogged more, but you can't win 'em all. I should do a set of posts about that branch of music theory, since I think it's the best thing since sliced bread. Conference paper first.

An update of the dissertation meter (in seconds):

705 / 4,500 (15.0%)

I keep going back and forth about whether or not I should talk about the metaphor behind the piece--the mysteries of the rosary. On the one hand, (from gender theory) there are some things that need to be reclaimed--Latin, the rosary, etc. On the other hand, I'm going to get blamed for everything bad that's happened in the past 2000 years, by virtue of being a member of that group. (Never mind that ad hominem is always a logical fallacy.) I guess if a hiring committee ascribes political beliefs to me that I don't personally hold it's not my problem (and illegal.) I know I can't get away with making some sort of political statement with this piece, so it might as well be the one I intend.

I really wish more than just the uptown/downtown crowd blogged on music. I'm getting weary of reading their glorified pissing contests. The 1970's are over, people. If you have a Ph.D,it doesn't mean you write good music. If you don't have a Ph.D, it doesn't mean you write good music. I think the one thing we can say with any certainty is that a person will (at some point in his/her life) write good music. He/She will also write really lousy music.

Another reason why I probably should discuss the ideology in my dissertation piece (pieces, really) is because those with any kind of metaphysics aren't getting much exposure. I get so tired reading blogs like new music box, and have everything be about the surface, making money, and whether or not pop music should be used in classical/new/postmodernist/whatever music. If this world and ontology is all there is, it would be a pretty depressing place to live.

I think that's why I like the music theory as model of musical experience people (Boretz, Randall, Barkin, Rahn, et al.) When you deal with theory as a model of experience, there are multiple possible takes on a given piece. It also lets the music exist as it is, in all its power. Plus pissing contests, like what exist on some new music blogs, aren't as important. We're all seeing a small piece of something complex (and ultimately beyond us). Diversity of opinion can't be a bad thing, in that case.

On suffering

I remember being told when I was young to "offer it up," where "it" was anything burdensome, tiresome, annoying, or just plain something I didn't want to deal with. I suspect more than a few Catholics of my age heard something similar from their relatives. A number of blog posts recently have dealt with suffering, and it's a difficult notion. At one extreme, you get Girard. At the other, suffering becomes some sort of quasi-erotic fetish. Add into this the message of countless antidepressant ads that any lack of happiness is bad, one begins to wonder if there's any value at all in suffering.

I don't disagree with the bit from Von Balthasar about suffering over on Mark Mossa's blog. Our failings do cause brokenness, and the effects of our sins cause suffering. But the notion that suffering is given out of the loving concern for a divine Parent is something that sticks in my throat. No parent likes disciplining their children (of the good parents I know), but I don't know if it's out of duty--it's the parents' jobs to protect their children, and that includes providing discipline--or out of love. But sometimes suffering doesn't have a cause--people come down with horrible illnesses, people cause other people to suffer, and things happen through no fault of the person hit with whatever is causing them to suffer. This model makes me queasy because not everything that happens is a direct result of our actions, and it would be a horrible God that would punish us willy-nilly for things we didn't deserve. This smacks of abuse.

So stuff happens, and we suffer. Thing is, I think we need it. I'm not talking wallowing in one's misery, getting off on it, or a chemical imbalance. All of these are an addiction to suffering, and I think such an addiction leads to depression, which is getting stuck in one big feedback cycle. The key is that suffering can be cathartic--it leads to a healing of a relationship (as in the case of sin), or it leads to another's relief.

I think the issue of suffering is easier to understand through the arts. Granted a "sad" piece of music may not necessarily be "sad," and it probably doesn't reflect the composer's emotions, either. (Great discussion of the person and the piece in composition here.) But through its abstraction, whatever is expressed in the piece is presented so that others may experience and deal with it in a productive manner. Perhaps I'm skirting too closely to Girard again, but I think the end result is fundamentally different. Instead of sacrificial crisis, I think the key is in empathy and compassion (literally feeling with) other people.

Just saying "be happy!" and repressing unhappy thoughts and feelings isn't true happiness--you see this in the Psalms, where the mood swings wildly from utter dejection to praise, sometimes within the same psalm. I think 142 is a good example of this. In the old Benedictine office, which is closest to the plan Benedict laid out in his Rule, it lands on Saturday at Lauds. Sunday, being the "little Easter" (bringing to mind the Easter sacrifice through the Eucharist) can't happen without a little Lent (Friday), and then the nothingness of Holy Saturday. Psalm 142 calls out of this emptiness. You can't have resurrection without death, and you can't have Easter without Lent. Without true repentance, joy rings hollow.

3/14 Edited to fix the fact that psalm 142 doesn't happen on Sunday in the old Benedictine Office...

So my non-meat options are slim to none on campus here. As an aside, the best school I've been at with respect to religious obligations being accommodated and cafeterias honoring religious dietary restrictions was CalArts. So if I want to eat on campus, my options are salad bar, overpriced, soggy wrap things, or crappy tofu. Given the penitential nature of Lent, perhaps soggy wraps would be more fitting.

So I experimented with onigiri. (Overpriced, gooey versions can also be found at the same place that sells soggy wraps.) You can find a good way to make them here. Today's lunch is: bonito with soy, wasabi furikake, and pickled plums. A friend said "3 cups of rice," but didn't specify cooked or uncooked. I made 3 cups of uncooked rice, which made about 14. (I'll be eating them the past couple of days.)

3/3 edit: Sorry about that. I forgot the link to the onigiri recipe. My bad! They worked really well in my lunch, but dried out a bit.

"Or a dream that will fade and fall apart..."

I found my jazz recordings today. They were shoved away in a box, plastic dusty and liner notes faded, as if they belonged to someone else. I couldn't listen to them until now. The grief was too new.

Growing up as a violinist, you don't get many opportunities to play jazz. The orchestra teacher doubled as the jazz band teacher, since budgets were getting cut every year for arts. Since I couldn't play it, I listened. During college, I started playing in jazz combos. Improvisation unlocked a forgotten floodgate--composition--and my first piece (a little jazz waltz) terrified me. But composing for jazz ensembles--my real love--was frustrating (I didn't want to play it, although I enjoyed it; and jazz musicians can be the epitome of stubborn, when it comes to new ideas--things existing classical music for the past few decades.) I took a chance at a classical composition department--my Master's--and they took a chance on me. I hadn't listened to or written jazz since then.

Constant discouragement and fighting took its toll. Once I left my undergraduate school I was too burned out on the violin to keep playing, and jazz was an unfortunate casualty. Busy in my new world as a "classical" composer, I tucked away my jazz compact discs, instead discovering Lou Harrison, Colin McPhee, Earle Brown, Morton Feldman, Ligeti, Berio...

But these old recordings--their music as familiar to me as my fiancé's face--never left me. Everything I am today as a composer existed then--I learned to orchestrate from Billy Strayhorn and Gil Evans; the serialism in Miles Davis' album, "Aura," was my own because I didn't know the right way to write serial music; the sheer walls of raw ecstasy and timbre of late 'Trane; the displaced canonic metrics of Pat Motian and Bill Frisell, the wordless poetry of Kenny Wheeler's "Music for Large and Small Ensembles, the counterpoint in the microcosm of jazz voicing--these are my roots.

If you truly love something, it's so much a part of you that a little time, dust, or absence isn't permanent, an old friend you run into after decades of silence. After a little awkward silence, you find out they never went away.

(Whoever emails me with the correct standard the title comes from will get a surprise...you may have to bug me to mail it, though.)

You know you're a Catholic gamer geek, when you dye your friar's epic armor colors appropriate to the liturgical season.

So since I'm sick, I'm not even trying to fast for Ash Wednesday, but I believe I'm still bound by the laws of abstinence--no meat products (except fish). I've been experimenting with Korean food lately, since the restaurants near me are expensive and not very good. So lunch is royal rice cake (gungjung ddeokkbboki). I've reproduced it, but her site is excellent, and if you aren't familiar with the ingredients, she's got not only pictures of them, but separate entries as to what they are.

Rice cake (about 20 pieces)
1/2 a carrot (I was out.)
1/2 a small onion
4 button mushrooms
5 shitake mushrooms (you really don't want to use dried ones for this...trust me)
1/4 red and 1/4 yellow pepper (I used one red pepper, since they're expensive, and it was going bad)
1 stalk of a spring onion

sauce (mix all of this in a small bowl):
1 tsp sugar (dark brown, but other works)
1 tsp minced garlic (save yourself some time if you're going to cook Korean food and get yourself a big jar of minced garlic. You'll need it.)
4 tsp soy
1 dash sesame oil

If you aren't using fresh rice cake (most people in this country won't), parboil them first. Note from me: make sure you rinse them after boiling, since they'll stick to anything. Chop the rest of the items finely.

Pre-heat your wok (or a nonstick frypan works), and pour some olive oil in. stir in the onion. Then the carrot. When the carrot is 80% done, add everything else until they're cooked. Eat. (Serves 2 people, or one very hungry one.)

She put one sliced green chili in (they're in big bags in the veggie department of most asian groceries. in a pinch, you can use a serano or thai chili.)

Ddeokkbboki are round, tubes of solidified rice goo in a cake form. Normally you can find them in large vaccuum-sealed packs in the noodle aisle in a good asian grocery. They freeze well. There's another type that's like squashed poker-chip sized rice cakes...they work too, in a pinch.

If you can find fresh shitake mushrooms, and they're not expensive enough to break the bank, splurge. The taste is wonderful, and much better than dried. I think I accidentally bought wood ear mushrooms, and they were great in it, too.

Fair warning, I'm cranky because I'm still sick (but getting better). I'm to the point where I want to be doing things, but I don't yet have the energy to walk to the post office. Baby steps, I know. And as a caveat here's my bias for the rest of this: women and men have choices about their roles, and I'm not just talking about choosing between wife/mother/husband/father and celibate religious. Both very important vocations, but they aren't for everyone. We all have different gifts.

I hate being a woman composer. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being female (except for one or two days a month), and I love composing. It's the combination of the two that I can't stand. It's as if I'm too delicate to compete on my own, so we need our own category. While I do understand the necessity of looking at early (read: before the advent of Nadia Boulanger) music by women as a special category (since they lacked access to conservatories and thus developed differently than the compositions of their male counterparts), I question the necessity for it now.

A well-meaning individual recommended I study with someone other than who is my Evil Overlord/doctoral chair, because she would have more advice as to what it is to be a woman and a composer. Nevermind that my chair is a much better match, with interests that mesh with mine. Before that comment, I hadn't realized that all my composition teachers had been men. I don't stop to ask for a genotype, when interviewing people. I would feel really horrible if someone wouldn't study with me because I'm female, so why would I discriminate against someone else, just because they had a Y chromosome?

Similarly, I hate concerts of music by only women. Again, is our music so different that it can't hold its own? Putting up with such things and festivals is akin to shoving us back in the ghetto-kitchen.

If women are being discouraged from going into certain fields, I think the problem must be addressed long before college and professional life. What kind of attitude does a girl face, if she wants to study composition, math, or science? How do her parents react? What about her teachers? Are they encouraging, or do they brush her off, instead giving attention to a boy who's writing music? (As what happened to me.) "Smart" girls and boys have it worse--the message is reinforced daily that kids who're too smart don't get boys/girls. Why are people not being equally encouraging of talent, regardless of gender?